From the Archives: Monday, October 16, 2000 8:33 PM

From: Imperil Me, Inc.
Subject: Save $5 Off of Your Next Pair of Joe Kickboxers!


Have you seen me?
>
> Name: Joaquim Nom De Plume
> Age: 0x0FFA7300
> Eyes: Yes
> Hair: No
> Last Seen:
>
> Joaquim Nom De Plume was last spotted entering a
> Kentucky Fried Manatees in Kissimmee, FL on Boxing
> Day, 1998. After placing an order for the 12-piece
> manatee bucket and complimentary front-end loader,
> Joaquim entered the back of the store in search of a
> restroom. When six hours had passed, Joaquim's
> entourage of fifty-seven circus-grade human canonballs
> became uneasy. They reasoned that the Slim Fast he
> consumed at lunch may have disagreed with him. It was,
> in fact, the experimental 'Seafood-Flavored' Slim Fast
> which Joaquim consumed that fateful day - the drink
> which Tommy LaSordid endorsed with the phrase, "I have
> a shake for breakfast, a shake for lunch, and then a
> sensible trip to the poison control center."
>
> The canonballs searched for Mr. Nom De Plume
> throughout the premises, including the 120,000 gallon
> manatee fryer, the 200,000 sq. ft. manatee giblet bin,
> and the women's lavatory. Their search yielded little
> results. The only traces they found of Joaquim Nom De
> Plume were a crumpled Topps 1987 'Ron Kittle' baseball
> card, a prosthetic dorsal fin, and a can of
> 'Deep-Woods Off!'.
>
> Today, the Kissimmee police have made little headway
> in the case. Their efforts have been hampered by the
> National Coalition To End Manatee Profiling, the
> People for the Ethical Treatment of Fried Food, and
> the Kissimmee Fraternal Order of Police Dressed As
> Disney Characters. Should you have any information
> which may provide a break in this case, please send it
> to:
>
> Lt. Yo Yo Ma
> Kissimmee Police Department
> Kissimme, FL 44444
>
> Remember to enclose $5, a wallet sized self-photo, a
> strand of your hair (or any DNA-carrying material),
> and be sure to lace the envelope with liquid PCP.
>
> Jarlsburg,
>
> Dr. Sgt. Gentry Gerund, PCP, et al