From the Archives: October 10, 2000

Subject: Grand Opening of Big K(lan) in Hayden Falls, Indiana
From: Chief Tuscaloosa

Hyperactive Thyroids:

This is a rogue/rouge edition of the Corporate Jank. If you like,
please
patronize the following Preferred Sponsors, then bang them over the
head
with a titanium fairway wood:

Dannon "Blood Clots on the Bottom" Yogurt
Firestone: Bad Tires. Good Lawyers.

Today's Headlines:

Tiger Woods 16-putts final hole to finish 2nd in U.S. Open

Leading comfortably heading into the 18th green, Tiger Woods fell to
part-time tour shop manager Huanga Rococco Ocho Nuevo in Tuesday's U.S.
Open.
"I just wasn't having my A-game...on the last green," confessed Woods.
Witnessing the worst choke in any sport in recorded history, Woods'
father was visibly shaken, and proceeded to violate PGA tour rules by
taking
a big slam on the fringe. Greg Norman was reportedly jubilant after
the
round,
saying that he was no longer "the biggest loser on tour." At a
post-tournament press conference, Nike spokesmen said that the
corporate
sponsor was officially "pissed" at the outcome.

Marvel Comics Reveals New Superhero

Stan Lee, CEO of Marvel Comics, announced a new addition to
the Marvel pantheon of superhero characters, which currently includes
Spider Man and Daredevil. The new character's name is Ethnic Person.
Ethnic

Person's super abilities include a super-sensitivity to racial and
ethnic
stereotypes and an ability to instantly detect whether one's ancestors
owned
slaves, participated in the slave trade, or benefitted from the slave
economy.
"Gone are the days when minority superheroes were forced to wear
degrading costumes and take bit parts that were wholly unimportant to
the
plot,"
said Lee. "I mean, we all remember characters like Apache Chief, Black
Vulcan, and Samurai. They were really nothing more than
super-steppinfetchits,
if you ask me." Ethnic Person will fight against arch-villains
Exspendo and Dr. Slum, who charge inner-city inhabitants extortionate
rates
for shelter and furniture. Joining Ethnic Person's side will be
Affirmative

Action Joe, whose super power is the ability to issue instant
injuctions
against inequitable conduct. Ethic Person's Race? Lee says "Ethnic
Person's ethnic background and racial characteristics will change from
frame to frame in the comics...but we're fresh out of white ink, boy!"

Move Over Big Blue

IBM spokespersons unveiled a new supercomputer in Silicon Valley last
week. "This baby can crap Big Blues," said IBM Project Leader Jerry
McCrabmeat,
referring to the supercomputer that defeated chess master Gary Kasparov
computer decided it would rather be called "Big Show" instead. Big
Show can perform over one million billion trillion calculations per
nanosecond.
"Somewhere along the line, somebody said 'Hey, why don't we make this
thing sentient?' and, being bored at the time, we all went along with
it,"said McCrabmeat. "Then, somebody was like, 'Hey, why don't we give it the
codes to launch all the nuclear missles?' and we were like,
yeah...whatever."
From his Beijing high-rise appartment, Energy Secretary Bill Richardson
was reportedly "pissed" at the news, saying "this is gonna make Los
Alamos
look like a cupcake party." McCrabmeat adds that "Big Show started
printing out all this crap about wanting a sacrifice or something, I really
can't remember." It would take the combined power of every human being on
earth performing 600,000 logarithmic functions per second to defeat Big
Show, said McCrabmeat. Later, McCrabmeat confessed "Yeah, it was like
babblingabout some kind of plan to like take over the world and use human beings for
battery power, or something." Fortunately for McCrabmeat, and for the
human race, Big Show crashed after a routine installation of a
soundcard using Windows 95. McCrabmeat relates that it will take over 60 million years to reboot Big Show. By that time, the sun will have gone supernova and
destroyed Big Show, as well as the earth.

Low Ridin' wit my Firestones,
Stanislow Hershel Split-Infinitive
Data Sow III, Human-Cyborg Relations

From the Archives: Monday, October 16, 2000 8:33 PM

From: Imperil Me, Inc.
Subject: Save $5 Off of Your Next Pair of Joe Kickboxers!


Have you seen me?
>
> Name: Joaquim Nom De Plume
> Age: 0x0FFA7300
> Eyes: Yes
> Hair: No
> Last Seen:
>
> Joaquim Nom De Plume was last spotted entering a
> Kentucky Fried Manatees in Kissimmee, FL on Boxing
> Day, 1998. After placing an order for the 12-piece
> manatee bucket and complimentary front-end loader,
> Joaquim entered the back of the store in search of a
> restroom. When six hours had passed, Joaquim's
> entourage of fifty-seven circus-grade human canonballs
> became uneasy. They reasoned that the Slim Fast he
> consumed at lunch may have disagreed with him. It was,
> in fact, the experimental 'Seafood-Flavored' Slim Fast
> which Joaquim consumed that fateful day - the drink
> which Tommy LaSordid endorsed with the phrase, "I have
> a shake for breakfast, a shake for lunch, and then a
> sensible trip to the poison control center."
>
> The canonballs searched for Mr. Nom De Plume
> throughout the premises, including the 120,000 gallon
> manatee fryer, the 200,000 sq. ft. manatee giblet bin,
> and the women's lavatory. Their search yielded little
> results. The only traces they found of Joaquim Nom De
> Plume were a crumpled Topps 1987 'Ron Kittle' baseball
> card, a prosthetic dorsal fin, and a can of
> 'Deep-Woods Off!'.
>
> Today, the Kissimmee police have made little headway
> in the case. Their efforts have been hampered by the
> National Coalition To End Manatee Profiling, the
> People for the Ethical Treatment of Fried Food, and
> the Kissimmee Fraternal Order of Police Dressed As
> Disney Characters. Should you have any information
> which may provide a break in this case, please send it
> to:
>
> Lt. Yo Yo Ma
> Kissimmee Police Department
> Kissimme, FL 44444
>
> Remember to enclose $5, a wallet sized self-photo, a
> strand of your hair (or any DNA-carrying material),
> and be sure to lace the envelope with liquid PCP.
>
> Jarlsburg,
>
> Dr. Sgt. Gentry Gerund, PCP, et al